Author: Rare Bit Blogging

Yesterday I received a text to say my French “papa” had died that morning, just over a year after his wife’s death. Tears prickled my eyes but they were swiftly replaced with a protective blanket of numbness. After replying I got back to my work in an attempt to quieten all the thoughts and possibly to block out the feelings. After practice I walked up the hill and had a steady trot back down – it was slippery after the New Year’s Day deluge and the morning frost was holding on tight.

In the evening I didn’t know what to do with myself. I’m familiar with bereavement and loss but I still don’t know how to handle it. What worries me is that I’m not expressing it. My default mode is practicality. I needed a big strong hug.

I looked for flights even though I don’t know when the funeral will take place. I also looked at accommodation in case it’s a full house. I don’t really want to go but I want to be there to pay my respects.

I journaled last night. Tonight I’m looking through old photos and remembering all the good times I had in Lyon while I was living with my French family.

A new year has arrived and I’m feeling great this morning despite the deluge. It could be the HRT which I’ve started using to improve my bone health. It’s a bonus if it boosts my mood. I tried HRT in gel and tablet form 3 years ago and it made me feel worse. This time I’m using patches. So far so good.

This Christmas, whilst uneventful, was a significant improvement on 2023. I remember watching The Sound of Music on Christmas night in an effort to console myself, those childhood feelings of safety and simple contentment a distant memory. I was entrenched in a thick fug of grief and numbness. The first half of 2024 was tainted with dread – I anticipated the worst whenever the phone rang.

I had quite a few December weddings and while it was good to be busy and distracted, I deferred much of my grieving process. Playing for weddings was super challenging – I was feeling devastated but putting on a happy face. Being around happy people celebrating was so painful. I looked around me and couldn’t understand how they could feel such joy, an emotion I became adept at faking.

Going to Spain in February was therapeutic and it gave me a lot of strength. Then a trip to Lyon to pay my respects to my French maman was also beneficial. A brief sojourn to Marseille filled me with sunshine, optimism and appreciation for my independence.

I really need to book some holidays but I’m not quite ready yet.

It’s a long process and I still have some grief work to do but it’s time to look forward. I’ve looked back enough for now.

I had such a good day. I did some stuff around the house before a focused full body workout. Then I went for my walk. It was a sunny day and I was feeling just ok. After a mile I turned around and saw this:

and my heart filled up. I could see it. I wasn’t looking for anything or hoping for something, I had no particular outcome in mind. When I go out I hope my mood will improve and that the exercise will keep me fit. My energy went through the roof when I saw the scene. I stopped worrying about the future, about my health, where I want to be, that I’m not ready for 2025, that I haven’t set any goals or intentions, then I realised I just want to be.

It’s been a quiet Christmas, which I prefer, with only 2 weddings. No wild parties for me these days although I might have a mini kitchen party involving some dancing later on. I’ve watched a lot, and I mean a lot, of TV and enjoyed snuggling up in my armchair in the evening for some entertainment.

Season 3 of Slow Horses was brilliant. Then I got really hooked on Ted Lasso which I’d heard so much hype about. It really took me by surprise. It was brilliant too with so many strong characters and it was uplifting and hilarious. I wish I could be more Ted. Bad Sisters is very good but slightly flawed. My vintage weepie was Kramer Vs Kramer for the excellent acting and just to check I still have feelings. I do. My final TV treat will be The Tragedy of Macbeth. Get me up those hills then back behind that harp!

Today I trotted my way to just over 1200 miles for the year. This is the third year getting past 1,000 miles walking and running. It’s roughly that distance from here to Málaga. That’s a really lovely thought. Why take the plane?

It’s a lot of distance and a lot of time to invest in my wellbeing and it wasn’t always easy, especially towards the end of the year when my knee was painful along with the usual muscle and joint aches. However I’m glad I kept going as I like the idea of keeping my body strong and I do enjoy physical movement.

I’ve been reflecting on past Christmases and loneliness and I’ve only felt lonely a couple of times this month. Luckily I enjoy my own company most of the time.

I was in a relationship one Christmas. I was invited for Christmas dinner at his parents’. On Christmas morning he was in a vile mood and, after I’d made an effort to juj myself up, he came out with three vicious words – it’s not Hallowe’en. I was so upset but I didn’t show it. We went quietly to his folks, his impenetrable silence loaded with anger and vitriol. After a while he started to relax and speak to me again. I was quite inexperienced in relationships and genuinely thought my outfit was offensive. I now know it was his stuff, his anxiety about his parents’ expectations. Bestowed with people pleasing tendencies, I bought a feminine dress in the sales for the New Year’s Eve party I was invited to at his brother’s house. He was delighted with his new look girlfriend. I was pleased that he was pleased though deep inside I knew I wanted to be with someone who accepted me whatever I wore. I’m not interested in fashion and I don’t have an eye for it.

The relationship went on like this for a few more months. He blew hot and cold and sulked a lot and I blamed myself for my inadequacies until I’d had enough of his controlling manipulative narcissism.

Reflection is useful. It’s a chance to choose to step out of unhelpful patterns and habits.

So I’m alone on NYE and that’s pretty damn cool actually. I don’t have any firm Christmas or New Year traditions as such. Every year is different. This afternoon I’m curling up with 2 books I have on the go. Tonight I’m having a trio of dals – Nigella said lentils symbolise coins thus prosperity for the new year. I’m more interested in personal prosperity rather than its financial counterpart. I’m attempting to make dosa which I’ve never made before. There will be plenty of candles burning. I know a lot of people are struggling with really tough challenges and I feel grateful for the simpler things.

My knee felt infinitely better this morning. It was a huge relief to get the x-rays done. I did my morning stretches and felt an urge to run. I’ve been doing a lot of research about improving bone density and even reversing osteoporosis, and I read an article which says running is excellent, especially downhill (my favourite!) and trail running, as well as varying the type of running. Plodding for 3 miles has no particular benefits but mixing it up does. I didn’t need much more encouragement. I ran about a third. My knee grumbled a little but it feels great now. Thank goodness for running in the darker months. I’m still buzzing.

I got to the hospital nice and early. I even had time for a mooch around the town centre to take my mind off my appointment.

I don’t particularly like hospitals and they’re especially triggering at this time of year. I was scared even though x-rays aren’t that bad – I don’t think I’ve ever had one so I didn’t know what to expect.

It was all fine. I felt a bit sick but that was just from worrying. My left knee doesn’t feel right (don’t!) and as the radiographer tried to position it, it felt wonky.

The room itself was pleasant – a mural of a forest on one wall and a screen with an image of an aquarium on another wall made it seem less clinical.

It was over in less than 5 minutes. Results in 2-3 weeks. The osteoporosis consultant I spoke with on Wednesday recommended as much walking and weight bearing exercise as possible. I’m desperate to run but I don’t want to make my knee worse.

I have an appointment on Monday morning, a phone appointment on Tuesday to discuss taking HRT for dem bones 🦴, then it’s time to forget it all for a few days. I’m so looking forward to playing for a wedding just after Christmas, AND I get a night away near the sea ☺️

There was no writing group yesterday as it’s the Christmas break. There is however a festive get together today and it’ll be a good way to end another year of writing creatively. It’ll also help take my mind off this week’s appointments – a phone appointment with a consultant rheumatologist this morning followed by another appointment with the musculoskeletal practitioner at midday, then x-rays on Friday. I rarely used to visit my GP, now it seems I’ve got a season ticket.

I’m feeling far calmer about my health this week but last week I was having phantom symptoms. My shoulders were slumping forward echoing Mum’s kyphosis, and every joint and muscle ached. I had a few days to process the information. I remembered that the mind is a powerful tool. I’ve realised I’m unlikely to break any bones for at least 20 years.

The Festive do was a bit flat. It seemed like most people had SAD. Town was drab and dreary and when I caught my reflection in the mirror, I looked as grey and sun deprived as the skies outside. I stayed for a while. It’s a good feeling to belong somewhere.

Then I treated myself to a Thai special:

I’ve promised myself these small indulgences for some time, so now that I don’t have any food restrictions as such, I’m just eating the foods I’ve wanted for a while. Interestingly, I’m not craving chocolate or sweets.

The food was excellent but the atmosphere was terrible. The Thai place is located in a small food hall in a shopping centre in town. There were plenty of tables big and small. I chose a small table. There was a big TV screen showing an action film featuring The Rock and Ryan Reynolds which was very distracting, there was pop music playing in the background, then a guy came to sit directly in my sight line. He spent his entire meal watching something on his mobile with the volume on, sans earbuds. Sensory overload! It was an exercise in nom om 🍱 🧘‍♀️

I had a head full of cotton wool today. Got some practice done then went for a lovely walk along the canal with a friend. We agreed on an intentionally flat route to minimise stress to my knee which has been playing up since yesterday.

We always have a good chat but I can’t form sentences with my mouth if the words won’t even come together in my head first. It’s frustrating and I feel so stupid. I guess that’s the menopause for ya. Good friends don’t judge and, luckily for me, she’s already been through it all.

On Monday I baked a cake for next Christmas. It’s going to hibernate in silver foil in an airtight container in the cupboard for 12 months to get to maturation stage. I’ll feed it occasionally if I remember. I couldn’t face baking it last Christmas. I know I’m on the mend ❤️‍🩹

I feel tired today, perhaps it’s the grey

Dreary weather outside, I just want to hide

Under my duvet. There’s work to be done!

Let’s give it a try, soon we’ll have fun/sun (delete as appropriate)

It’s official, I have osteoporosis already. That was an unexpected surprise. Having been told that my bones are like cinder toffee, it feels like I have a time bomb ticking inside my body. Don’t forget I have a tendency for the dramatic. My catastrophic thinking kicks in when I get a diagnosis.

I’m a fighter and I’ll keep exercising, eating healthily and most of all, working on my mental resilience. If my post-menopausal memory serves me well, Mum didn’t break anything until she was well into her 70’s or even her early 80’s. There’s no time to waste though. Adventures – here I come…