Today I trotted my way to just over 1200 miles for the year. This is the third year getting past 1,000 miles walking and running. It’s roughly that distance from here to Málaga. That’s a really lovely thought. Why take the plane?

It’s a lot of distance and a lot of time to invest in my wellbeing and it wasn’t always easy, especially towards the end of the year when my knee was painful along with the usual muscle and joint aches. However I’m glad I kept going as I like the idea of keeping my body strong and I do enjoy physical movement.

I’ve been reflecting on past Christmases and loneliness and I’ve only felt lonely a couple of times this month. Luckily I enjoy my own company most of the time.

I was in a relationship one Christmas. I was invited for Christmas dinner at his parents’. On Christmas morning he was in a vile mood and, after I’d made an effort to juj myself up, he came out with three vicious words – it’s not Hallowe’en. I was so upset but I didn’t show it. We went quietly to his folks, his impenetrable silence loaded with anger and vitriol. After a while he started to relax and speak to me again. I was quite inexperienced in relationships and genuinely thought my outfit was offensive. I now know it was his stuff, his anxiety about his parents’ expectations. Bestowed with people pleasing tendencies, I bought a feminine dress in the sales for the New Year’s Eve party I was invited to at his brother’s house. He was delighted with his new look girlfriend. I was pleased that he was pleased though deep inside I knew I wanted to be with someone who accepted me whatever I wore. I’m not interested in fashion and I don’t have an eye for it.

The relationship went on like this for a few more months. He blew hot and cold and sulked a lot and I blamed myself for my inadequacies until I’d had enough of his controlling manipulative narcissism.

Reflection is useful. It’s a chance to choose to step out of unhelpful patterns and habits.

So I’m alone on NYE and that’s pretty damn cool actually. I don’t have any firm Christmas or New Year traditions as such. Every year is different. This afternoon I’m curling up with 2 books I have on the go. Tonight I’m having a trio of dals – Nigella said lentils symbolise coins thus prosperity for the new year. I’m more interested in personal prosperity rather than its financial counterpart. I’m attempting to make dosa which I’ve never made before. There will be plenty of candles burning. I know a lot of people are struggling with really tough challenges and I feel grateful for the simpler things.