A new year has arrived and I’m feeling great this morning despite the deluge. It could be the HRT which I’ve started using to improve my bone health. It’s a bonus if it boosts my mood. I tried HRT in gel and tablet form 3 years ago and it made me feel worse. This time I’m using patches. So far so good.

This Christmas, whilst uneventful, was a significant improvement on 2023. I remember watching The Sound of Music on Christmas night in an effort to console myself, those childhood feelings of safety and simple contentment a distant memory. I was entrenched in a thick fug of grief and numbness. The first half of 2024 was tainted with dread – I anticipated the worst whenever the phone rang.

I had quite a few December weddings and while it was good to be busy and distracted, I deferred much of my grieving process. Playing for weddings was super challenging – I was feeling devastated but putting on a happy face. Being around happy people celebrating was so painful. I looked around me and couldn’t understand how they could feel such joy, an emotion I became adept at faking.

Going to Spain in February was therapeutic and it gave me a lot of strength. Then a trip to Lyon to pay my respects to my French maman was also beneficial. A brief sojourn to Marseille filled me with sunshine, optimism and appreciation for my independence.

I really need to book some holidays but I’m not quite ready yet.

It’s a long process and I still have some grief work to do but it’s time to look forward. I’ve looked back enough for now.