Author: Rare Bit Blogging

I’ve just been for a short walk to pick myself up. It’s Monday 2 December 2024 and Christmas fever is, well, at fever pitch. Everywhere I look I’m bombarded by pervasive messages. Buy this, give that. Don’t disappoint. Don’t be selfish. Plan your menu. Get your turkey, and don’t forget the stuffing! Have you got enough booze? And what about your Christmas jumper? Ho ho ho. Have you booked your flight? If only! Packaging in the shops is persuasively bright and gaudy. Black Friday seems to last an eternity. I can’t get to grips with Cyber Monday – is it Dr Who related? Exterminate!

I feel a huge amount of pressure at this time of year and every year it gets more intense. It’s mostly clever marketing, consumerism and spending. Getting into debt doesn’t matter so long as WE have the BEST Christmas. It works because it genuinely seems they care about us. What about the true meaning of Christmas? What is that if one is single, childless and non-religious?

Nature invariably offers comfort and consolation. The trees seemed to mirror my feelings this morning. Music does the trick, even though it’s my job, and culture too. I crave art. Poetry, literature, fiction, creativity. They all heal.

Before I let myself get swept away in a sea of guilt and shame, I went out. It helped. The problems are still there but I remembered gratitude. I’m grateful for my health, my cosy safe home, the ability to earn a living, my mostly cheery good nature and warm personality, my generosity, my resilience. I’d help everyone if I could, but helping myself? I need help with that sometimes.

I don’t have much playing work this month. Last December was busy and I had plenty to occupy me after the bereavements. Usually I’m glad to be busy but I’m fine with having a quieter month. It’s an opportunity to see friends and see what comes up. It’s also a chance to rest. Resting can be hard to do when there’s an urge to run around like a headless turkey.

I’d rather be on a desert island if I’m completely honest but, thankfully, I have a long wedding just after Christmas Day to keep my fingers and feet busy. And so far, I’ve resisted the urge to book a Blue Monday Cyber flight.

I had my first acupuncture treatment today. From my first contact with the acupuncturist I felt at ease, an inner knowing that this will help. One of the reasons I wanted to try acupuncture is that I share a chronic health condition with the acupuncturist – psoriasis. We had a long phone conversation prior to my first appointment during which I was asked some very detailed questions about my general health and medical history.

The treatment room was a tranquil haven with small rectangular windows overlooking a stream. Tall trees still clinging onto their crisp brown leaves towered above the running water. There was a Chinese wall hanging above the windows with encoded messages. I imagined they said relax, heal. I immediately felt comfortable and safe.

After a few more questions, I was ready. I reclined on the treatment table. The first superfine needle was inserted near my ankle followed by a brisk tap. I didn’t feel the needle but I felt a dull ache which eased gradually. The same action was repeated on the opposite side. In all, 10 needles were positioned before I was left to relax with the window ajar so that I could hear the soothing sound of the water.

While the needles were inserted I started to feel an emotional shift inside me, a subtle energetic excitement mixed with feelings of 3/4 joy, 1/4 sorrow. It was fascinating. I also felt a strange lump in my throat and as the first needle went in, I felt nauseous although this subsided quickly, before flowing up, and ebbing away again.

Acupuncture is already having a profound effect. This evening I feel a greater sense of wellbeing than I have for a long time. I feel so relaxed and my shoulders have unknotted. During the treatment I felt a rippling in my left foot leading to where my neuroma is. It feels great tonight. Worrying about the future has dissipated as has overthinking.

It’s the penultimate day of my week long staycation. Yesterday I woke up with a spring in my step, full of energy and excitement about the day ahead. I’ve been reading too much non fiction lately so I perused my bookcase and selected 4 novels I may or may not have read a very long time ago, but none of them kept me riveted. So I went to the library and had a good browse through their selection. I borrowed 2 books which appealed to me. I started one last night and it was unputdownable. I can’t wait to get to bed!

Then I went to my bounce class. I want to do some vigorous exercise and I can’t run because my foot won’t let me. Thankfully rebounding doesn’t seem to aggravate it. My DEXA scan results came back – abnormal but expected whatever that means. I have to wait 6 weeks to see my GP for clarification so it clearly can’t be urgent.

Bounce is fun once I get past the fact that I’m terrible at it! I look around me at the other women moving effortlessly with grace, and marvel at how clunky, awkward and laboured my movements are. I also seem incapable of coordinating my limbs to match the instructor. I do the complete opposite. Weird. However I come away buzzing with energy so it’s a keeper. Apparently it’s one of the best forms of exercise for bone health. The energetic music is too loud but I can cope with that for an hour.

On Sunday I binge watched the latest series of Slow Horses. I had my first taste of this show last Christmas and it instantly blew me away. Gary Oldman is incredible and he’s in great company with a brilliant cast. There’s something about Slow Horses that fills me with hope and optimism.

I don’t want to watch too much tv though hence the need for a page turner.

The rest of today was spent walking on the beautiful moors and chatting with my friend Ally. It was blisteringly cold but a day well spent.

I had my last infra red sauna yesterday. There was a mix up about the appointment time so I decided to go for a walk while it was heating up. I saw a public footpath leading towards a residential area with rows of characterful terraced houses. I continued and felt myself relax, flanked by streams of water flowing on either side.

The path soon led me to a pond where ducks quacked cheerfully, flapping noisily across the water.

A joyous dog wagged its tail excitedly at the ducks, eager to join them in play. I sat on a bench facing the sun.

After a couple of minutes I turned to face the opposite direction. And then I thought, this is it, this is happy.

I signed up for a weekly writing prompt and these 3 words stayed in my mind. I’m not a vengeful person but it’s good to give expression to that aspect of my personality!

Cover Your Eyes

“Cover your eyes

It’s a surprise”

He knew his demise

Was due to his lies

His narcissist sighs

Were such a good guise

With help she got wise

Her lows became highs

His fate he denies

He whimpers then cries

Grows weak as he dies

His blood slowly dries.

Here’s a more benign (and very imaginative – I haven’t eaten a mucky D for at least 15 years) alternative:

“Cover your eyes

It’s a surprise!”

She goes and buys

Food and supplies

A Big Mac and fries

Go on, Super Size

Then some pork pies.

A trip to Belsize

It’s a paradise

Planes they give rise

To flighty new highs

Up up in the skies

Just wave your goodbyes

Travel’s the prize.

It’s more than halfway through the week and I feel tired today. I slept like a baby, waking only once for a few minutes before going out like a light again. It’s another dazzling day with clear blue skies and sparkling sunshine. First of all, practice, then cleaning downstairs, playtime later. I can’t even use gardening as an excuse to spend more time outside as the last mow of the year has already happened and I pruned the trees last weekend so my garden wheelie bin is overflowing.

Discipline can be difficult but once I get started, all else falls into place.

The nights will start drawing in in earnest from Sunday as the clocks go back. Gaining an hour in bed isn’t worth it in my opinion. Daylight is a precious commodity as we cross the threshold toward the dark season.

Exercise counts as playtime too but I’m having to be increasingly careful as I have a tendency to overdo it. My hands and wrists grumble if I lift my heavier weights and my shoulders complain whatever sporty activities I do. Social media tells me I have to fight hard against atrophy but these people never tell me how to deal with DOMS. Being in pain all the time is, well, a pain.

And the day gradually disintegrated into a bad mood which I’m sure is due to tiredness. I had a power nap on the sofa which helped but the greyness lingered and malingered tainting everything I touched. How amazing that my mood is so completely different every day!

I’m going for a longer walk with Claire this afternoon. I can’t wait to be in the bright burnished autumnal countryside and have a good chat. It’s another stunning morning and the rain has decided to go to Spain, quite literally. These beautiful sunrises are worth getting up for and it isn’t too cold yet.

I’m really excited about practicing. I bought some new music online and the pieces all work really well on the harp, and it’s music I love too! It evokes childhood memories and warm happy feelings of being loved. It’s amazing how music has the power to conjure up cosy comforting winter nights snuggled up by the fire in front of the telly.

Walking with friends is great. Walking alone is great too. Walking’s the best.

The end of November and December are quiet. My ego is panicking but I’m quite pleased. I tried booking a holiday but couldn’t decide on a destination so after a fortnight of research, I gave in and decided to start the process of getting a new kitchen at last. With hindsight, a holiday would have been easier. I know exactly what I want, getting that is a bigger challenge.

I received the CAD images yesterday. My heart sank. It was nothing like what I’d described to the young designer who came round to measure and take photos. I wonder if they were listening. I often zone out so why wouldn’t they? Maybe they were pondering what to have for dinner or the activities they were looking forward to at the weekend? I’m pretty sure they didn’t imagine spending a lot of time in the kitchen they CAD’d for me.

I get a bit antsy in September. It’s the thought of a long winter ahead, the dark cold nights stretching endlessly, encroaching onto that precious early morning daylight, stealing brightness like a selfish seasonal thief. Then I remember there’s autumn first. Bright blue skied sunny crisp crunchy crackling leaf autumn days are the best.

I found this cool thing on my phone which cheered me up:

I haven’t felt like blogging for some time. I’m doing a lot of personal writing but nothing public. I found it hard to justify writing about my everyday life whilst watching increasing evidence of global collapse in front of my eyes. Crisis after crisis. However I do feel an urge – obey it I must. There’s no writing group for 3 weeks either. My motivation is somewhat selfish – committing to writing a daily blog helps with my literacy, focus, memory and imagination!

I got really stressed last week. I played for a very quiet Fayre and went straight up to North Yorkshire for a wedding the following day. The bride had some really demanding ceremony requests and I got really worked up about those. Although my practice demons proved hard to handle, I was pleased to be pushing myself rather than simply playing the usual requests. I was reminded of how I was when I was doing a lot of orchestral work – I didn’t let it go until it was right. I’ve still got that desire even if my repertoire is a far cry from Wagner and Puccini.

I’ve found the wedding work tiring this year, the driving, setting up, things that wouldn’t have fazed me a couple of years ago. The amp is brilliant and I can play for much longer without fighting to make my harp audible. The extra weight is the only con.

My feet haven’t been well since I bought running shoes online just before going to France. After a long walk along the coast near Marseille I got blisters the size of golf balls on both heels. I’d never seen anything like them. I Compeeded them and kept going during the rest of my trip. My heels subsequently cracked. They got so bad last week that I couldn’t face walking more than a mile. I was heartbroken.

I went for a biomechanical assessment last week. That morning I finally burst into tears after my stretching session when most muscles in my body were throbbing and my feet were incredibly sore. It was such a relief to have a bloody good sob.

The previous week I had a skin and nail appointment. That chiropodist suspected foot psoriasis. I played it down though I was devastated.

The biomechanics chiropodist was kind and extremely thorough. I was told to bring as many pairs of shoes as I wanted (7) and she asked a lot of questions. She examined my feet and said she’d never seen such hyper mobile feet. Oh crap I thought but she reassured me it’s preferable to having arthritic feet. I left with orthotic insoles fitted with metatarsal domes. I could feel them niggling at my neuroma but the effect on my posture was almost instant – no more knee or hip twinges. And thankfully, she doesn’t think it’s foot psoriasis 😃 4.5 miles on Saturday evening were almost comfortable. If I can walk, I can work.

As wedding season drew to a close I decided to complete a thorough health MOT on myself. I want to stay as fit and healthy as possible. I’m not worried about grey hair and wrinkles but I am determined to stay strong, mobile and independent. I went for a DEXA (bone density) scan a couple of weeks ago. Considering the state of Mum’s bones, it’s a wise idea. Results soon. Blood tests all came back normal.

My psoriasis is troublesome. I try to accept it but when the itch is there, it’s all consuming.

You see what I mean? I sound like a whining hypochondriac but from what I gather, it’s quite normal to be preoccupied with health as our bodies need more support as we age.

And then there’s the state of the arts. I mean, WTF is going on? Another orchestra in dire straits, yet I look at social media and every orchestral harpist looks focused, busy with gigs and happy. My brain can’t comprehend this dissonance. To say that the music world is in a precarious position is an understatement.

(This was written before the US elections)

The latest remedy I’m trying for my skin is infra red sauna. I go roughly once a week for an hour. It can get quite intense at the end but I feel cleansed and invigorated afterwards. It’s a dry heat, up to 52 degrees and it seems to penetrate my core. After my first session it felt as though I’d been in a desert for an hour, my body heated from the inside out. I look forward to that hibernation in a hot pinewood cocoon. Sometimes I zone out and the hour flies by. Other times I read. There’s no difference to my skin yet but there are a few more things I’d like to try before calling it quits.