An escape from the mundane

Bradford, not dissimilar to the Alhambra on a day like today

I changed my mind about going to the concert in the end – it was at 8pm and when I realised exactly how tired I was, I was tucked up by 7pm ☺️ Before I turned in, knowing full well I needed some creative inspiration, I booked a ticket to see this year’s Turner Prize at Cartwright Hall in Bradford, less than an hour away.

I arrived early since I wanted to walk around the grounds surrounding the Hall. It was a quiet Tuesday and the park was a gem. It even had a lake and small botanic gardens. Geese and grey squirrels were fearless – it must get really busy on a weekend.

An extensive playground with a challenging looking slide – no, I didn’t

I was irresistibly drawn to the water gardens

Fountain

which were peaceful and relaxing. I sat on a bench in the sun and felt myself get warm again.

I had a coffee in the downstairs cafe before entering the main building. Cartwright Hall is very impressive and reassuringly old. Anish Kapoor’s familiar mirrored egg offered a reflective welcome at the main entrance.

Volunteers handed out leaflets containing useful insights about each of the 4 artists. They helpfully suggested options on navigating the exhibition and pointed out the videos introducing the artists and their work.

I decided to start with art, namely a flag and a collection of dolls and photographs by Rene Matić. I didn’t really get it and found the doll cupboard quite creepy. (No photos, sorry). I went back into the foyer and watched a short video about them. I was still flummoxed and only when I got home and did some research did I get the gist of Rene.

I decided to watch the next video about Mohammed Sami before experiencing his work. An Iraqi artist based in London, he was an artist in the more traditional sense. The video showed him hanging and priming his canvas. No team of assistants here. The paintings were powerful and had an anonymity and a touch of the impersonal despite being highly emotive. There were eerie scenes of conflict and devastation and ambiguous titles left much to the interpretation of the visitor.

Anonymous

Next was Nnena Kalu. Her works reminded me of Joana Vasconcelos’ Valkyrie. Big piñata style figures wrapped in thick layers of multicoloured tape hung from the ceiling. Her obsessive drawings of vortexes were compelling and looked as though they’d been done in an intense Spirograph session.

Menagerie

To complete my art circuit, I returned downstairs to see Zadie Xa’s work. I can be easily pleased when it comes to art and I did go a bit gooey when I walked into the room, which was like a tranquil holographic disco of rainbow colours, mysterious figures, shells, bells, and whales, with a discreet audio accompaniment. There was even a reflective gold floor. I loved her fabric patchworks which reminded me of brightly coloured stain glass windows. I found her work spiritual and quite moving.

Fantastical

Is there a clear winner? Not in my mind and I’ll be intrigued to find out who will take this year’s title. £25,000 will come in handy but even as a runner up, consolation prizes of £10,000 will ease any pain from not seizing the prestigious first prize.

Runs until 22 February 2026. Well worth a visit.

Hall of fame

The arrival of Winter

No filter

Winter arrived properly last week with plummeting temperatures and the heavens opening at every opportunity. I can handle cold and dry, cold and wet less so.

I’ve been busy practicing some festive requests and I had a lovely wedding on Saturday but my heart just isn’t in it. I took yesterday off and tidied up as well as starting a much needed decluttering project. I did a little this morning too and my house does feel lighter.

Today is dark and grey. I did my morning mobility – my shoulders were incredibly stiff after Saturday – and after a full body workout, I went for a walk punctuated with a bit of skipping and jumping. It’s a bit lighter outside than in my house but at 3.30pm, it’s already getting dark.

I didn’t sleep well last night which is unusual. I’m very fortunate that I can usually sleep for England, but not last night. I feel restless, unsettled. Change is afoot and inhabiting the liminal space is uncomfortable.

I’m gearing myself up to go out again soon. The Huddersfield Contemporary Music Festival is on and I’d like to go along and listen to other musicians. It feels important to attend a performance, a reminder of what it’s all about. I’m sure I’ll report back, unless the safe warm duvet wins the day.

Grey

Black dog days

A gloomy day walk this week

I’ve been feeling a bit low for the past month or so. I get SAD this time of year anyway but this is something more than the usual seasonal blues. Some stuff has arisen following Mam’s death and it’s demanding my attention. Heed it I must or it will keep growling at me until it bites. This is important work but it’s also very painful. Not for the faint hearted.

Last night I plucked Sunbathing in the Rain by Welsh writer Gwyneth Lewis from my bookshelf. I find her take on depression very useful. Here’s a great article about her:

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2024/sep/24/gwyneth-lewis-why-i-wrote-nightshade-mother-emotional-abuse

Depression isn’t self pity. If I keep calm and observe it, important lessons can be learnt. One of the most challenging things about depression for me is that it steals my imagination. That’s almost unbearable. A world without make believe is very monochrome.

Monochrome

I don’t have much work on at the moment. I’m teaching and I have some festive music to learn but nothing urgent. However, this week, it’s been a real struggle to practice. I just haven’t been in the mood, and neither have I been in the mood for working out which is unusual as I enjoy my exercise. I decided not to force matters and treated the week as a staycation with a couple of lessons and a bit of practice.

I really got into Line of Duty, which I’d never seen. It’s addictive viewing and I’ve had to take a break from it since I binge watched 4 episodes on Friday night. Series 3 was amazing! Only 3 more series to go… I’m saving the latest series of Slow Horses for Christmas.

The previous week I took myself off to the cinema to see I Swear, a British film about Tourette’s. I loved it. It was beautifully done without slipping into saccharine sentimentality and it gave great insight into life with this complex condition. There were some hilarious moments of course – there always are when swearing’s given free rein.

So yes, I’ve become a bit square eyed but I’m quite pleased about catching up on some pretty essential viewing.

I’ve been very hungry since September. Actually I think the hunger started when Mam died. I’m still quite numb and at least when I overeat, I feel something. It isn’t ideal and I’ve gained a few pounds but I have 1 rule – healthy unprocessed foods only. So yes, I gorge on grapes, feast on figs, pucker up at pears, binge on blueberries and I have apple avarice so I don’t feel too bad physically or mentally. Emotionally? That’s a different fruit bowl altogether.

I’m on the lookout for part time work but my job criteria significantly narrow down any possibilities. I did apply for a non musical job earlier in the year but I didn’t get anywhere. I won’t give up. I know I have a lot of qualities. They’re certainly not broadly valued attributes but, given the current climate, I believe they’re more important than ever (compassion, kindness, creativity, empathy etc.) I’m also aware that I’m slower and not as sharp as I used to be, but I don’t think that makes me unemployable.

I commit to doing one difficult thing every day to try and improve my situation, whether that’s contacting a venue, booking a fayre or showcase, addressing one kitchen issue or doing a job search.

The truth is I’m ready to move on from here, but I don’t know where to go. I reckon I have 5 years of weddings in me, then I’ll be ready for a smaller house. I’d love to be nearer the sea.

I was under no illusion that having a new kitchen fitted would fix my life but I think it’s really affected my enjoyment of living here. The thought of having any more work done on the house makes me feel sick. The kitchen is far from finished and there are so many outstanding issues. And now I have massive trust issues around tradespeople.

In the meantime, this is what keeps me going

From this morning’s jog & jump
A rolling stone
🩶

Frozen

I played for an outdoor wedding this morning. I don’t often play outdoors as our weather is so unpredictable and conditions can be unkind to instruments. Somehow though, this wedding slipped through the net.

It’s 24 October 2025, not an outdoor wedding kind of date. When the couple booked me, it was a scorching hot June evening. Of course I could play outdoors, especially since there’s a covered bandstand!

As the heat of summer ebbed away, I started to fret a little about the wedding. In all honesty, I thought it would rain and I also thought that the couple would realise exactly how cold it was unless we were blessed with a late October heatwave.

I started weather watching 5 days before the wedding. Rain? Brilliant! Phew! 2 days before I checked the weather for the venue. Cloudy with sunshine. Shit. Temperatures? 7 degrees at 11am, ceremony time.

In an attempt to calm myself, I reasoned that I had surely played in colder churches. I have a 1030am church wedding this December so it’s practice for that too. I asked colleagues for advice.

I deployed a strategic plan which included a hot water bottle, thermals, 2 piping hot flasks, extra gloves and wrist warmers, a towel, and rubber mats for my harp and amp.

On the drive to the venue, I debated feigning an accident, being struck with a case of food poisoning or suffering a vehicular malfunction. The faintest hope I had that they’d decide it was too cold was dashed upon arrival. They were setting up outside.

With a leaden sense of resignation, I took my gear up, shivering as I went. It was damp and the tall trees obscured any rays of warm early morning sunshine. Were there heaters in the bandstand? Were there heck.

I took my harp up 45 minutes before play time, unpacked and gave him a perfunctory tune. I didn’t want to stress him anymore than necessary and he was already quite sharp. I put the heavy cover back on and I waited.

An endless cold wait
Detail

I genuinely don’t know how I did it but I kept it together and actually played well. My focus was razor sharp. Survival mode I guess. That and the brisk early morning chilly air.

After the ceremony I threw the covers on and moved inside as quickly as possible, aware that the warmth of the room in which I was playing for the drinks was in significant contrast to the bone penetrating damp coolness which had the guests all a-shiver. I didn’t retune. No way! My harp had been incredibly tolerant and forgiving of my misdemeanour!

The groom came to thank me and mentioned how cold he had been during the ceremony. I politely bit my lip.

Needless to say I’ll be updating my contracts with a clause for outdoor performance stating a minimum temperature of 16 degrees.

September

Sculptural

I haven’t had much time to write. I’ve been quite busy with wedding fayres (more on that anon) and I’ve had a couple of new students begin their journey with the harp. I’ve been feeling quite tired. I recognise the lethargy which accompanies the arrival of Autumn. Much as I love the bright green acorns which feel like crunchy marbles underfoot and the smooth glossy chestnuts, the crisp fallen leaves and the fascinating fungi

Green gills

and tantalising toadstools, an instinctive part of me wants to restock my freezer, batten down the hatches and make like a squirrel. See you in March? I wish!

My close friends came to stay in September and we had a cultural blast at the Yorkshire Sculpture Park, soaking up each piece from an inspiring new exhibition by William Kentridge. It was so good, I’d go back in a heartbeat.

I’ve always loved ampersands. Why write ‘and’ when you can write ‘&’? That, and they’re such an enticing shape

See my Instagram for more photos and a couple of videos.

We went on to the Hepworth where there was a playful exhibition by the late Helen Chadwick. It was fun and cheeky and it evoked all the senses, including repulsion at a giant Perspex tower filled with putrefying foodstuffs. I wonder who got the job of topping it up and more importantly, of emptying it after the exhibition finished. There was also an obscenely enormous chocolate fountain.

Chocolate bathtub

Mid September I had my harp serviced near Wrexham and to while away the waiting time, I went for a woodland walk at Erddig. I’m sure I visited as a child but I have no recollection.

Fig tree wall
Specimen
Twist
Erddig from afar

And so to work. The past 2 wedding fayres have been abysmal with barely any engagement. I love playing the harp but the older I get, the less I feel like hoiking it in and out of the car, especially if it doesn’t bring in any business. I honestly don’t think it’s my playing. I practice a lot, regularly, even when my heart isn’t really in it. I turn up anyway. My bookings are right down for 2026 and I’ve done something I’ve never done before – I’ve accepted bookings for weddings taking place in 2 and even 3 years time. It’s that bad!

Freelancing is difficult at the best of times but it seems extra tough at the moment. Last week a student had booked a lesson on Wednesday and on the Monday she cancelled. None of my income is secure and while I’m ok financially, I won’t be if I’m not careful.

Going going gone

Welcome September

Green becomes brown

By mid August, a familiar sense of dread starts to descend to accompany the subtly shortening days. When September arrives I feel a little better since a fair few warm bright days remain before the clocks go back heralding the cold dark months.

From tiny acorns

Try as I might to see the positives of autumn and winter, I still struggle every year. My hands and joints have felt great this summer. It’s been a really good vintage and the feast of long warm sunny days have been a balm for my being.

I had to adapt my exercise routine mid July. I bought some 8kg dumbbells in April as I’d hit a plateau. I could manage some of the basic exercises with them. It’s so empowering feeling my body get stronger as I get older. However I started getting hand and wrist pain and realised I wouldn’t last long with a busy August. They’ll still be there when a quiet spell arrives.

I’ve been doing some deeper work on myself. I felt stuck in my grief process amongst other issues. It’s never easy to undertake this work but it’s vital in moving forward.

Yesterday was particularly rough after some poignant discoveries about my core complexes. I wrote, did some painting, went for a walk

A symbolic dragonfly

and did some more painting before going to my creative writing group. On days like these practice is nigh on impossible. Being around people really helps even though solitude can seem preferable. What emerges during the writing process is always surprising.

Civilisation, and great architecture
Then back to healing hares. They don’t call her Mother Nature for nothing

My tailbone is 95% better and I did a bit of running in the rain and some plyo by the stream this morning. That really puts me in a good mood and helps me focus. The slide is a regular event but not the disc.

Early autumn fallen leaves like spent two penny pieces in an amusement arcade

Play!

Last week I tried a different ride at the playground. It’s a spinning disc placed at an angle. I was curious what would happen if I stepped on it so I did. It seemed to challenge my balance which definitely needs improving.

Innocent enough. Should come with a warning

It started to spin. It spun faster and faster until I fell at a fair speed onto my back. Probably not the best thing for osteoporosis but life goes on. Luckily there’s special padded flooring on the ground in the park probably to cushion any falls. It still hurt like hell. I swore softly but emphatically, got up, dusted myself off and a few minutes later, tried the climbing frame with a mesh of ropes strung across it. If at first you don’t succeed, try another playground ride. I’m determined to try the disc again, even if I have to sit on it. Apparently that’s what you’re supposed to do.

Play is really important and even more so as I get older. Life can get pretty intense and serious, and laughing at myself is something I try to do little and often.

I played my last wedding of the summer season last Sunday and it was a belter. What a way to go out. It was at a venue in York which got me in a sweat already since it meant driving on the motorway, something I rarely do these days. It was the bank holiday weekend too with lots of events happening around Leeds.

I set off very early but it meant I got there in plenty of time to unload calmly, find parking, have my breakfast and put my face on followed by my performing hat. The couple had requested quite a tricky piece of music for the bride’s entrance so I knew I needed to be on form.

Historic

I tried my harp and the acoustic there is so complimentary. My harp sounded amazing! Everyone was super friendly and helpful. I had a chat with the florist who was a real tonic, a very lively vibrant woman. This helped me relax. Her Dad grew up in Dolgellau, not a million miles from where my Dad was born. It’s a very small world. She had an eye catching dragon brooch pinned to her tie. I should’ve known.

Green Dragon

I felt I played really well. I somehow managed to pull out the stops and perform. I don’t do that very often. Weddings seem to be more about stamina and endurance so it’s reassuring to know I’ve still got it when I need it.

The bride and groom were really lovely and they offered all their suppliers a gift and a card:

Appreciation

Yesterday I gave a consultation lesson to a very talented 10 year old boy. I gave the lesson a lot of thought since he’s already at a high standard in piano, singing, drums and flute. I decided to take a creative approach rather than go old school and I think it went well. His Mum messaged me to say he’s hooked and they’re going to rent a harp. Their dining room is swiftly becoming the music room.

Today I put my teaching hat back on to give a lesson to a student who’s been coming for 2 years. She had no musical knowledge at all before starting her lessons. Now she’s fluent and she’s even considering buying a pedal harp. She’s absolutely hooked and her enthusiasm is contagious. She’s a keen athlete and regularly does ultramarathons so I suggested we could go up West Nab to celebrate her accomplishments by sharing some chocolate she bought me from a trip to Japan earlier this year:

Tiny Matcha and Sakura and Soybean fingers
Victory!

It’s been a good week.

One way ticket to Harpland

I’ve really been enjoying my practice again. It’s been quite tough to practice for any longer than 3 hours but I’ve got a wedding coming up through an agency and the client has requested a lot of tunes that aren’t on my regular list. It’s been great to revisit some old favourites but I knew I’d struggle with the harder ones if I wasn’t doing a lot of serious practice.

Soon after mum died I had a wedding just before Christmas and somehow I ended up with a playlist. It was horrendous, quite traumatic. Even getting the music in order was enough to make my brain implode. I vowed never to do a playlist again. At the wedding breakfast I couldn’t breathe and I remember thinking “just smile, keep smiling”. I hated every minute of playing. I had absolutely no freedom.

There was one song in particular which got me in a sweat and it’s on the list for this coming wedding. I can’t look at it. It reminds me of that time. I really don’t think they’ll notice it’s missing from the 60 odd songs they’ve chosen, so long as all the others are there. I’ve taken it off the music lists on my website. It’s a piano piece. I’m also playing the music in my chosen order along with some of my favourites so it’s not a playlist as such.

It fascinates me how certain music can throw one back in time so vividly. Same applies for smells.

So yes, practice is a safe place again and I’m more able to listen and hear and not get caught up in the doing. Playing for weddings is tough and I fell into a pattern of zoning out. It’s hard to focus for 3 hours. Sometimes I couldn’t remember what I’d just played. My mind was elsewhere. Now I’m more interested and involved.

I haven’t lifted heavy weights since mid July. I love weight training and I really value keeping fit and strong but I was getting hand and wrist pain. I’m sure I’ll pick them up again once wedding season winds down.

Addicted to the harp

My sister gave me this photo when I was visiting recently. It was amongst Mum’s belongings. I had recently moved to Lyon and I needed some headshots for a concert I was playing back in the UK. Seeing it again reminded me of my unshakable love and passion for the harp and music. It was taken many years ago, way before the era of the internet and social media and their trappings. I love the innocence and the twinkle in my eye which I believe is still there.

Yawn. Roar?

Target 🎯

Words on the beach

I’ve been someone’s target before and that feeling when I realised it’s happening again was uncomfortable. Someone has taken a dislike to me and they’re not shy about letting me know. I have given the matter much thought. It upset me at first as it’s a person I can’t avoid seeing. Now I’ve come to terms with it and I’ve realised it’s not my stuff.

I have choices and after I apologised twice for something I didn’t say that upset them, they’ve found another reason to hold a grudge. It was only a couple of days ago that I was told exactly what had upset them (words spoken by a tradesman whilst on my property which they overheard), and even then it was indirect – I was told by their partner. I have again given it much thought and decided not to say anything, but now I’ve changed my mind. By saying nothing, my position is unclear. By speaking my mind I risk putting myself in the line of fire but I clarify my intentions and maintain my integrity. Easy!

The trouble is I can prepare and rehearse a short script but in the heat of the moment I crumple and all sorts of unplanned words slip out of my mouth ineloquently. I’m also worried I’ll keep talking and say too much.

Right I’m off for as long a walk as my feet will permit. I’m really looking forward to escaping this uncomfortable environment for a few hours. It’s a new feeling for me, feeling unsafe in my own home, and I really don’t like it.

Swathes of purple
Freedom

I’ve been painting a bit more, y’know, crap art, just for fun, and I love the feeling of the brush in my hand and on the paper. Try painting your emotions, it’s great! (No photo!)

I’m having a creative Saturday. After I get back I’m baking a cake

Baked – apricot sunshine

and writing a letter, then either a movie or some reading. Sheer joy!

Birthday blog

Down the tube – a brief session in the local park after a trot and some jumping
Climbing 🧗‍♂️

Today is my birthday. After no weddings in July, I had 2 yesterday. I rarely do 2 gigs in a day but the timings worked. The evening booking came at Easter and I really wanted to do it. It was a first for me, a Walimah, so an Islamic celebration to follow a ceremony in the gardens. They had a violinist for the ceremony. Music was a really important part of the day.

There were 150 guests all dressed in their finery. The women wore stunning saris and the men their best suits. Children were well behaved but allowed to be children. I kept thinking what fun it must be for them to attend such a big party until past bedtime. No alcohol was served and it was extremely civilised. The speeches delivered by some of the closest family members were well wishing and emotional, packed with advice for a long and healthy marriage.

Harp ahoy

Earlier in the day I played for a church ceremony, the polar opposite of the evening celebration. It was a solemn service in a beautiful church. Variety is the spice of my job.

Beautiful acoustic

With this in mind, I was tentative about making birthday plans as I knew I’d be tired, especially after a busy 3 hour evening do ending just shy of 10pm, but I did want to mark the occasion so I booked myself a late lunch somewhere I’ve wanted to try for over a year, Norman’s Neighbourhood Kitchen in Kirkburton, a mere 20 minute drive away.

I was greeted warmly by the owner and my waiter Ted. It’s a fairly small room with around 40 covers and it felt like being in someone’s kitchen/dining room.

On the online booking form there was a question “is this a special occasion?” In a moment of spontaneity I replied that it was my birthday. Upon arrival there was a card on the table from the Norman’s Team and a complimentary glass of fizz, which they happily exchanged for an elderflower spritz. This was already turning into a memorable lunch and I’d only just sat down!

Happy!

The mouthwateringly varied menu arrived. My choice of starter and dessert was easy, the main less so. Then Ted told me there was a special of lemon sole with pickled onion monster munch sauce. That didn’t help. In the end I opted for the prawn crudo and beef tataki but I hadn’t realised Ted hadn’t taken the lamb off the order. Bring me food and I will eat it.

The tuna tart was exceptional, with unbelievable waves of flavour from such a tiny delicate creation. I wanted 4 more.

Tiny tuna

The beef tataki didn’t look that appealing but my tastebuds danced with every punchy mouthful.

Tataki very much

The prawns were delicious and the textures played on my palate. Peas popped in contrast to the soft yield of the tender citrus cured prawns. I was mightily impressed.

Dive in

I baulked ever so slightly when a 4th dish arrived and I realised what had happened. I was comfortably full but there was no way I was sending this back:

Mexico on a plate

It was a playful plate of soft slow cooked tender meat bathed in a luscious sauce, served with zingy pickles and creamy herby yoghurt. The crunch of nuts kept me diving in for more. And more. I finished the whole lot, every splash of moreish sauce mopped up appreciatively.

Desserts are my weakness. I follow Norman’s on Instagram and I spotted the cherry chocolate creation earlier in the week.

Highly Instagrammable

I crossed my fingers it would be on the menu – it was. It was outrageously good, so much texture and flavour with a hint of soft nuttiness from the sesame. The sorbet was cool and flavoursome and again the texture was perfection. I just had to sample the off puttingly named beef fat fudge

and it was one of the highlights. Addictive stuff. All washed down with a flat white accompanied by a cannolo. More food!

I can honestly say this was one of my most memorable dining experiences. The bill arrived in what I thought was a book but it was an old videocassette cover:

Surprise!

When I got back I chilled out and replied to some messages before getting ready for the cherry on my cake, a West Nab sunset: