I went for a walk after practice yesterday. I walk most days, not particularly far but it’s a vital part of my routine. On my way down I suddenly saw the sky and a few stars. At 4pm? I hear you ask. Yes, I slipped on some mud on a slope and fell on my back, jarring a shoulder that was already sore from playing the previous evening. I was practicing multitasking – I was on my way to the recycling bins and I had my backpack on with one glass jar in it. Just my luck I thought as I fought back tears and swore, more at the shock of falling than anything. Thanks to my padded sit mat, the glass jar remained intact but I bruised my spine.

I started to worry about my bones. I fall occasionally and I try to see it as good practice for getting up and carrying on. It’s also quite reassuring – nothing broke so my osteoporosis can’t be that bad.

I am struggling this winter though. January seemed to last forever and February feels twice as long again. I need to diarise things to look forward to. I want to get the court case out of the way first though. There’s a chance I’ll lose in which case I’ll have fewer options. I’m desperate to escape. I keep burning out, mainly from overthinking but my body makes hormones for a reason and when they’re depleted, so is my stamina, mood buoyancy, focus and energy.

I do have days where I’m content and almost vibrant. On Tuesday (the sunny day) I passed through the little cemetery up the road. I had previously noticed clusters of crocuses and snowdrops through the wooden gates. Some graves had flowers bursting abundantly through the patchy grass and dead leaves.

Part of me likes to imagine this unmarked grave holds the remains of a kind and gentle old soul. That’s why such beauty thrives here. Gotta keep believing…