I’ve been feeling a bit low for the past month or so. I get SAD this time of year anyway but this is something more than the usual seasonal blues. Some stuff has arisen following Mam’s death and it’s demanding my attention. Heed it I must or it will keep growling at me until it bites. This is important work but it’s also very painful. Not for the faint hearted.
Last night I plucked Sunbathing in the Rain by Welsh writer Gwyneth Lewis from my bookshelf. I find her take on depression very useful. Here’s a great article about her:
Depression isn’t self pity. If I keep calm and observe it, important lessons can be learnt. One of the most challenging things about depression for me is that it steals my imagination. That’s almost unbearable. A world without make believe is very monochrome.
I don’t have much work on at the moment. I’m teaching and I have some festive music to learn but nothing urgent. However, this week, it’s been a real struggle to practice. I just haven’t been in the mood, and neither have I been in the mood for working out which is unusual as I enjoy my exercise. I decided not to force matters and treated the week as a staycation with a couple of lessons and a bit of practice.
I really got into Line of Duty, which I’d never seen. It’s addictive viewing and I’ve had to take a break from it since I binge watched 4 episodes on Friday night. Series 3 was amazing! Only 3 more series to go… I’m saving the latest series of Slow Horses for Christmas.
The previous week I took myself off to the cinema to see I Swear, a British film about Tourette’s. I loved it. It was beautifully done without slipping into saccharine sentimentality and it gave great insight into life with this complex condition. There were some hilarious moments of course – there always are when swearing’s given free rein.
So yes, I’ve become a bit square eyed but I’m quite pleased about catching up on some pretty essential viewing.
I’ve been very hungry since September. Actually I think the hunger started when Mam died. I’m still quite numb and at least when I overeat, I feel something. It isn’t ideal and I’ve gained a few pounds but I have 1 rule – healthy unprocessed foods only. So yes, I gorge on grapes, feast on figs, pucker up at pears, binge on blueberries and I have apple avarice so I don’t feel too bad physically or mentally. Emotionally? That’s a different fruit bowl altogether.
I’m on the lookout for part time work but my job criteria significantly narrow down any possibilities. I did apply for a non musical job earlier in the year but I didn’t get anywhere. I won’t give up. I know I have a lot of qualities. They’re certainly not broadly valued attributes but, given the current climate, I believe they’re more important than ever (compassion, kindness, creativity, empathy etc.) I’m also aware that I’m slower and not as sharp as I used to be, but I don’t think that makes me unemployable.
I commit to doing one difficult thing every day to try and improve my situation, whether that’s contacting a venue, booking a fayre or showcase, addressing one kitchen issue or doing a job search.
The truth is I’m ready to move on from here, but I don’t know where to go. I reckon I have 5 years of weddings in me, then I’ll be ready for a smaller house. I’d love to be nearer the sea.
I was under no illusion that having a new kitchen fitted would fix my life but I think it’s really affected my enjoyment of living here. The thought of having any more work done on the house makes me feel sick. The kitchen is far from finished and there are so many outstanding issues. And now I have massive trust issues around tradespeople.
In the meantime, this is what keeps me going
Rare Bit Blogging 