For 2 days now, I’ve woken up with a sense of dread. I managed to get a physio appointment for yesterday lunchtime. On Sunday I knelt on the floor to tidy underneath my table at the wedding fayre. I put my weight on my left hand and felt shooting pain in my thumb, hand and arm. I shifted my weight and tried it again. There it was, that troubling pain like a searing hot needle travelling from my hand towards my shoulder. 20 minutes earlier I’d had a call informing me mum had fallen again and an ambulance had been called. I phoned my sister who was at work. My brother in law was with mum. She’d unlocked the door to let the cat out and had a tremor. The keys went flying and she fell backwards. Nothing’s broken but she’s hurt her coccyx. She’s a tough old bean but she’s really having a lot of knocks.

I struggled to get in the zone. Obviously this news affected my playing. I warmed up half heartedly and tried to ignore the discomfort in my left thumb. I played as much as I could (too much – hindsight’s a beautiful thing.) I packed up all my gear after a 4 hour fayre and struggled to change gears driving home. 3rd was painful, reverse involved 2 hands.

I can’t remember suffering from hand problems. Shoulders yes, not hands though. My sister said it might be arthritis. Great, thanks sis! I played a chord yesterday. It came out ok. What worries me is playing for extended periods of time. Weddings last on average 3 hours with breaks but it’s unlike orchestral playing which is focused and intense for short bursts. Weddings are marathons and there’s nowhere to hide. Pop music is repetitive by design. I’m going to have to learn some moderation and decide if it’s worth buying a heavy amp and lugging that with me on top of all the other gear.

My frame of mind has been quite negative lately and I’ve allowed news of friends and family illnesses and injuries affect my usually cheery disposition. Since I can’t really use my hands much, I’m taking a week off my attic gym activities and just walking and stretching. I know how important movement is – it calms my head and improves my mood. Tomorrow I’ll try a bit of practice ahead of Saturday’s wedding.

I feel like a hypochondriac but I think it’s just general wear and tear. It’s also a reminder to rest and relax. I feel guilty and lazy if I don’t work a certain number of hours in the day. Idle hands… I’ve had to relinquish 2 of my anchoring activities already this week. I couldn’t go to my creative writing group yesterday as that’s when my physio appointment was, and aerial yoga is a no-no at the mo. It’s very much a hands on class. I’m up to date with my emails and I’ve done the fayre follow ups. No uptake yet but these things can take time.

It’s been a steep learning curve. When I first started exhibiting at fayres, I used to play a little and hand out leaflets and cards. Then I’d feel frustrated when nobody contacted me! Now I enjoy meeting and chatting with prospective clients and I ask for their details and contact them, usually within 24 hours. The spam folder is always a concern.

I took Monday off and met a friend in town for coffee. I then tried to make a dent in a lengthy shopping list. I managed 2 hours before calling it quits. Shopping’s boring. However I got myself some brushes, watercolour paints and a thick roll of paper to do some crap art. I don’t mean any disrespect here, it’s just a nod to perfectionist me to clock off for a few hours. In my creative writing group a while back, we did an exercise involving blobbing paint freely onto paper, playing about with it and writing about what we saw. I loved it. I had a go last night. It was very interesting.

After shopping I treated myself to a thrifty Thai lunch. It was just what I needed. Vegetable green curry with wontons is a hug in the form of a bowl.

I went back home to rest before attending the first performance I’ve been to since Easter. It was called Sonic Threads present VASTRA and it took place at Heritage Quay in the University. It was given by Carnatic vocalist Supriya Nagarajan accompanied by Lucy Nolan on harp and Duncan Chapman on sound and flugelhorn. What a fascinating combination and quite different from traditional concerts I’m accustomed to. There was a selection of ragas and some Bollywood music to lighten things up and I enjoyed a fair few foot tapping moments. There was no applause between pieces. The audience seemed deep in a trance-like contemplative state. It was an immersive experience, like being flown to Bombay via Huddersfield.

Lucy is such a natural relaxed performer and she looked completely comfortable on stage. She responded beautifully to Supriya’s chants and plaintive tones with impressively attentive communication. Her voice was full of emotion. I wondered exactly what she was singing. Duncan’s flugelhorn later introduced a soft eerie earthy colour to the sound palette.

Lucy used a wide range of effects, loops and extended techniques in an unpretentious authentic way. It was a mesmerising, hypnotic and meditative evening.

I came home hungry. I felt empty. I’d hoped music would fill the gaps for a while but alas, this wasn’t the case. I’m still numb, still quite impenetrable. I can’t cry. And that’s ok. I am where I’m at on my journey.