It’s been an interesting day. Up at 5.30 sharp, I had an important therapy session at 9.30 and I wanted to get an arm and shoulder workout done before I left. Ouch. No pain no gain and I know how important it is to maintain muscle at my age. I often put off arm and shoulder day because it takes a couple of days for my muscles to recover and I need them to do their work so that I can do mine. I’ve been craving protein. Food is a massive preoccupation and is definitely masking something. It’s become beyond foodie level. It’s about survival I think. And that’s ok. I’m not a great cook but what I make is edible, bordering on tasty and it’s definitely cooked with that secret ingredient – love. I haven’t, to my knowledge, killed anyone yet. I absolutely love it though. Chopping cures, hacking heals, mixing mends, whisking whets the appetite and I’m hungry again!

Therapy was hard work. I felt drained afterwards and that’s a sign of progress and learning. We touched on some very deep issues (paternal abandonment/toxic mother) and how I keep falling into the same black hole, or maybe stumbling pretty damn close to the hole. I managed to escape again. I have so much trust and respect for my therapist. She’s a real gift. The hour flies and my head is full of thoughts all the way home.

I did 1.5 hours decent practice then slept for the same amount of time. Sleep is top of the list at the moment and last week I indulged in my fair share, making the most of my innate ability to power nap. At the moment I could sleep all day. Last week was difficult. I felt very low and that’s part of the process. It’s also knowing that the lows won’t last forever. This depression is different from past depressions. It feels like a protective numbness and I’m able to function but it doesn’t feel like full on technicolour life. I know from experience that the depression is here to teach me a lesson. I need to process and express. I need to grieve but there are no tears.

I get my emails done promptly and I practice diligently although some days fighting the fog is impossible and I give up and carry on with something else. I know tomorrow I can be in the zone again. I used to be able to memorise easily. These days it’s an impossibility. My brain is like an overfilled hard drive.

I teach a bit, not much but it’s enough to keep me ticking over and I like helping my students. I’ve had a couple of enquiries for lessons and I will give trial lessons after Easter. I’m not ready to meet new people yet.

I’m tentatively planning mentally stimulating activities. I really want to try a creative writing course but the reviews for the local college are uninspiring. I emailed and called them at the end of last year and received no response. After a Google search today, I found a weekly course in town so I filled in the form and we’ll see what happens. Even though it sometimes feels as though I’m merely going through the motions, exercise is ingrained already (it’s aerial hammock yoga tomorrow night, yippee!) but I could do with another activity to engage me mentally and creatively.

I’m visiting friends in London at the end of April and in Lincolnshire mid May, and A and I have just booked a group walk in the Lakes so that’s exciting. Somethings to look forward to and to dread in equal measure. I manage my anxiety. Being extremely early is super useful. Except when it isn’t. I had a podiatrist appointment in town a couple of weeks ago and arrived 1.5 hours early (don’t!) as I was worried about missing my appointment, finding the place and whether I’d need to arrange to have my car moved if I couldn’t drive due to cortisone injections. The appointment lasted 20 minutes and I was given insoles which should improve my Morton’s Neuroma so all that worry was for nothing. I’m to go back if it gets worse and then they’ll do an ultrasound and maybe injections. Phew.

When I got back from visiting my family in Wales, a white envelope awaited and I knew already it’d be trouble. It was a fine for not paying the full amount for the time I was parked at the infirmary. I hadn’t realised I should have paid from the moment I drove in. £60! I contested it and they generously reduced it to £25 to cover the admin fee but still… I could have parked for free on the street outside the clinic premises! I’m glad I don’t do much city driving these days – I’d spend my fee in fines. And therapy.