Today was a good day. I’m feeling quite insular and introverted and that’s ok. Feeling that I should do this, ought to behave like that, that I should be as people expect me to be, puts on an immense pressure. In the past, people have insinuated that I’m a bit manic at times. So what if I am? I feel things to extremes and I’m ok with that. It just seems that others aren’t ok with the times I don’t fit into their moulded expectations of how I should be. What goes up must come down, or at least hit a plateau. I have highs and lows and I’m glad of them most of the time. Heavens forbid a neutral flat line.

I spent most of the day out and about with my thoughts. There were very few moments of anxiety and by managing my time (leaving plenty of time to get to my meeting), any tension was reduced. I’m not keen on big cities these days, especially not at peak times, but I do love the indulgence of not having to sit daydreaming in my car on the motorway. Daydreaming on public transport is preferable and it’s still a novelty except in rush hour. Not much is a novelty then with the jostling of elbows and grumpy commuters.

I went for lunch on Sunday with 2 other women. I was very tired and I admit I wasn’t riveting company. I had three intentions – to be sociable, eat and leave. Apart from good food, it was a bit disappointing. I wasn’t able to engage. I don’t know these women very well and I would love to have more men in my life. I’m not a fan of smalltalk at the best of times. Spoken word is a bit of challenge. I’m a bit shy with strangers and I find it difficult to articulate my thoughts, preferring the safety and reflection of the written word. Perhaps it was fatigue, maybe it was because I’d been surrounded by sometimes deafening sounds and music on Sunday, but the conversation was like listening to white noise and I couldn’t identify with anything they were talking about. After lunch we started to meander meaninglessly around town, hovering awkwardly to watch a parade. I like to move and walk fast. The heavens opened and I politely made my excuses. Besides, I had just one more deadline that evening, and by 7.30pm, I knew I could just press the pause button.

I crave physical and emotional intimacy. I know I’m capable of feeling and sharing both these qualities and I think it’s a basic human need. We weren’t created as solitary entities. Thing is finding the right person. For me, that’s someone warm, funny and communicative with quite a lot of patience who is kind yet firm. Someone challenging yet supportive who encourages growth together. They’re out there, it’s a question of finding them. It’s an ongoing personal battle.

Reading back over this, I’m aware I sound like a right miserable c**t and nothing could be further from the truth. I have my moments. Don’t we all. I’m aware my birthday’s coming up and I’ve even started to think about Christmas. Fuck. I swear they’ll be an improvement on last year. Neither occasion was bad, just average. I want memorable please, for the right reasons.

I do miss music. I rarely listen to music at home these days, preferring the hum of my fridge and the soothing hypnotic tick tock of the clock. I can no longer justify my former refuge, my haven, my safe place. For now. I would love to make music the focal point of my world again. I miss minding the gaps between the notes. In the meantime, I’m enjoying the expressive safety of writing.