Good evening dear readers! I’ve set myself a challenge to write a daily blog every evening I’m free, so here goes! I won’t win a Nobel prize, but that’s not the point of the exercise!

Today was a bit of a wash out, a damp squib for the most part. Like every Monday, it started with a mad splash at the pool. It was a brilliant workout, feeding and freeing my mind, body and soul, and I pushed very hard as usual. The weather’s been so hideous that I’ve been unable to face any of the walking or running I’d planned, wellies or no wellies. Life is damp. Drab. Grey. Sodding sodden. I’ve been so busy with playing work, and that’s taken over my life, something I would have embraced wholeheartedly (like everything I do) two years ago, but since I made some major changes in my life, what used to feed me now zaps my energy. I can no longer afford the indulgent 4 hour practice marathons I love so much. What used to be my playground (orchestral playing) feels like a torture chamber more often than not these days. I got on a bit of a downer after the concert. There were several friendly familiar faces from the past and I remembered the good times. I heard the compliments about my playing and took them on board even though my confidence in my playing was questionable.

After my class, I rushed home to wolf down my breakfast before giving a lesson. Lesson time came and brought no student with it. After 20 minutes I texted. She’d forgotten. Leave it, I thought to myself in a karmic peaceful frame of mind as I conjured up a thousand useful ways to fill an hour and a half. I looked at Facebook for 5 minutes and then I slept.

As the day went on, I got a bit more agitated about the missed lesson. I received a very sincere apology and a request to make another time this week please. The thing is, if I’m going to maintain any sort of practice routine, I don’t have time for her before the beginning of July. The other thing is that I had a new student who would have willingly taken the musician’s hour I’d allocated my present student. There was no offer of payment either. Easy come, easy go.

I didn’t want to go to work. I was in a mood for staying in under the covers. I reminded myself of the challenge of trying to crack a smile from as many customers as possible. Today however, the tables were turned. I was in a bit of a daze, in proficient autopilot mode at the tills. The few customers who approached the counter beaming sunny smiles despite the downpours were welcomed most openly, and I feasted on their positive energy. A week ago, I was the one giving out the cheer. Today I was more than happy to be on the receiving end, and I was equally happy to share that fact. Happiness goes in circles.

One of my preoccupations is loneliness and I spend a lot of time alone. I’m usually comfortable in my own company but at the moment it can be a challenge with only myself to bring me down. Some of my core issues are being addressed as I relinquish past shackles and create a new life for myself. There’s an opportunity for change and growth and it feels urgent to seize that with both hands. I started doing some deep work on myself a couple of months ago and things came to a head in my last session in which I basically cried, talked and listened for an hour. I had been so relentless, so caustically tough on myself to the point of numbness. In a safe environment at last, the floodgates opened. What a fucking relief! How cathartic tears can be and that session was priceless. Being kind to myself is my biggest challenge and I’m predisposed to giving myself a jolly good hiding given half a chance. I don’t need or deserve that anymore and I know full well how hard it is to shake, break, smash old ingrained habits.

Ever the optimist, before work, I put my laundry out having seen a clear forecast. Maybe I read the forecast for Seville by mistake. Yes, I have that city on my weather app! I’ve wanted to go for ages, and one day I will. Seville and Granada too. And Valencia again, for more than 24 hours next time, and Bilbao and San Sebastian. So yes, definitely Spain. France too. Biarritz, just for the sake of the name.

Desperate to get back home for a brew and a run, but in a bit of a bingey mood, I did some shopping after work. (When I faced up the chilled wines during my shift, I noticed a bottle of Spanish rosé I used to be keen on and remembered the feelings that drink evoked. In my imagination, drinking it was like spending a night in Spain. I wasn’t bothered about the taste as much as the feeling.) I had 3 things on my list. I ended up with 18 items in my basket, including the above haul in a moment of weakness. I’ve seen customers buy vast quantities of sweet stuff to brace themselves against the bitter June chill, and we’ve definitely shifted more family packs of chocolate for one than fruit since the weather turned sour. It’s nearly bedtime and I haven’t had any of it. It’s all about having it there, just in case.