Dictionary result for technophobia
/tɛknə(ʊ)ˈfəʊbɪə/Submit
noun
fear, dislike, or avoidance of new technology.
“technophobia is slowly being eroded in our industry”

Wednesday was rough. I had a major tech meltdown. It really is my biggest source of stress and annoyance and there’s no avoiding it. A couple of weeks ago, the induction for my new part time job involved learning 7 modules in 3.5 hours without a break in a small windowless room. On Wednesday, my heart sank as my manager said I needed to do some training on the tablet again – learning the age restriction module for the second time. I got 88% in the induction which seems pretty good to me but clearly isn’t good enough. Imagine my dismay at being told this time, after 45 minutes’ study, I got 4%! Apparently I’d been pressing the wrong button, “Next” not “Submit”. Shivering and weary, I was sent to the stark warmth of the stuffy staff room to try again. The 21 questions with a choice of 4 similar answers made less and less sense as I tried in vain to focus above the crescendoing ticking of the clock and the comings and goings of my colleagues. By question 20, I was pressing random buttons, tears prickling my eyes making it hard to see clearly. I got 87%. I’m going to have to do the fucker again. 

My main frustration was that I couldn’t get on with doing my actual job – helping customers. On a brighter note, I’m getting there with the lottery and scratch cards, bones of contention for several other colleagues in their early days. I had to stop myself from jumping for joy when a sweet senior gentleman won £100 on a scratch card this week. That was a magic moment.

I can learn complex musical scores and interpret several styles of composition. I can cook and clean and hold a decent conversation. I’m fluent in 3 languages. I can be as creative as you like and I have a vividly colourful imagination which keeps me going through tough times. I can maintain good focus for a 6 hour teaching day, and a day of rehearsals of the same duration with driving on top. I probably need a nap break on the way back these days and that’s ok, it’s not cheating! I can do an 8 hour shift though I prefer the 4 hour ones. 8 hours take me too far from my music. I like to think I’m not stupid and have a good level of emotional intelligence. So let’s say I think I have qualities lest I forget that fact. So far, this month has taken being out of my comfort zone to a new level. I got a new mobile too, android not apple… I’m happy to learn new stuff but this is overkill. There has to be another better way.

I’ve inadvertently become antisocial. The irregularity of my life and lack of time and energy to socialise makes it nigh on impossible to meet people and forge new friendships and relationships. I’m never in the same workplace long enough. My life is totally different from the lives of my friends prior to this new part of my journey. A good friend is up North from London this weekend, and I’m doing a promotional event at the only time we could meet. I had to postpone my short break with close friends last week due to sheer fatigue from my multiple roles and I was concerned I’d fall asleep at the wheel from burning the midnight oil too many nights in a row. I have little in common with some other friends anymore, and I’m very choosy about who I spend time with. I avoid people who bring me down. That might sound aloof but I think it’s a great defence mechanism. I keep promising myself a trip to the cinema but the nearest I get is a third of a Netflix movie or an episode of Catastrophe, which is a damn fine alternative.

Taking care of myself singlehanded can sometimes be a challenge. I’m a handful even if I say so myself. I can get a bee in my bonnet about stuff, and that comes with being a passionate creative with a strong heartbeat and an addictive personality. Nothing is ever enough. 

I have to make sure I’m sleeping, eating and hydrating properly. Irregular shifts mean designating heavy snooze times and mealtimes and it’s a fine balancing act of trying to remember to eat, often force feeding myself when I’m not hungry to make sure I have energy and focus for work. As for practice, I’m really making that count and playing as though my life depended on it. I’ve totalled 3 hours this week, a vast improvement on last week’s hour.

Home again after my shift, I think I managed quite well, negotiating my low mood by expressing my feelings with extensive heart wrenching sobs. Round midnight I perked up as I researched the origins of my name, which I’m copying below in case you’re interested. I was and this information will serve me in the challenging times I face over the next few transitional months. I see a lot of humour in this and I certainly don’t think I’m a queen or a goddess but there will be times when I have to act as if. I always thought my name was common when I was younger – we’re ten to a dozen where I’m from!

“R is a major figure in the Mabinogi, the medieval Welsh story collection. She appears mainly in the First Branch of the Mabinogi, and again in the Third Branch. She is a strong minded Otherworld woman. She is intelligent, politically strategic, and famed for her wealth and generosity. 

Like some other figures of British/Welsh literary tradition, R may be a reflex of an earlier Celtic deity. Her name appears to derive from the reconstructed Brittonic form *Rīgantonā, a derivative of *rīgan- “queen”. In the First Branch of the Mabinogi, R is strongly associated with horses, and so is her son Pryderi. She is often considered to be related to the Gaulish horse goddess Epona. She and her son are often depicted as mare and foal. Like Epona, she sometimes sits on her horse in a calm, stoic way.

Interpretation as a goddess:

R is often associated with Epona.
When R first appears she is a mysterious figure arriving as part of the Otherworld tradition of Gorsedd Arberth. Her paradoxical style of riding slowly, yet unreachably, is strange and magical, though the paradox also occurs in mediaeval love poetry as an erotic metaphor. R produces her “small bag” which is also a magical paradox for it cannot be filled by any ordinary means. When undergoing her penance, R demonstrates the powers of a giantess, or the strength of a horse, by carrying travellers on her back.

R is connected to three mystical birds. The Birds of R appear in the Second Branch, in the Triads of Britain, and in Culhwch ac Olwen. In the latter, the giant Ysbaddaden demands them as part of the bride price of his daughter. They are described as “they that wake the dead and lull the living to sleep.” This possibly suggests R is based on an earlier goddess of Celtic polytheism.”

What do you make of that? I certainly feel I’m undergoing my penance! Shedding the residual skin of my latest life episode involves a lot of angst, sleepless hours and restless soul searching. 

Have you looked into the origins of your name?

(NB: I found out that all my colleagues who took the test after I did failed too. I think that might be the point of the exercise. A bit sadistic though, don’t you think? 😞🥺)